Waiting...

"So, did you hear about ________ getting engaged? That means there's hope for you!" 

That's how the conversation started.  It was said as a well-intentioned way of encouraging yours truly aka. the perpetually single girl.  We all have someone like that in our lives.  Maybe it's you.  Maybe it's a friend.  Maybe *I* am that friend of yours.  The one that everyone says "You're so awesome.  I don't know why you don't have anyone." or "Just hold on.  The right one will come along." or "Just be yourself!" As if I'm not sitting here waiting.  As if I'm not being myself.

If you're like me, you've read posts from other young women who have experienced this and the things I'm going to say aren't exactly new, but it's the first time that I am putting these thoughts down for anyone but me to read.

"That means there's still hope for you!" Those words left me rankled.  The more I thought about them, the more they disturbed me.  As if my hope in life is tied to whether or not, I find that perfect match for me.  Can't I live a full and happy life and not be married?  I have to believe the answer to that question is yes.

You see, here's the thing: I've already found the perfect match for me.  His name is Jesus Christ and He loves me so much that He gave His life for me (John 3:16).  He loves me more than any man on earth could ever love me (John 15:13).

So, you see, my hope is resting in something much greater than whether or not I have a man in my life and I just wish that other people would realize that when they say things to me like "There's hope for you!" it only serves to diminish my hope.  You know why? Because up until you said that to me, I was content and not even dwelling on the fact that I am alone.

And I AM alone. You can't know how many times I've struggled with thoughts like "maybe no one wants me" or "what is wrong with me that no one wants to be with me?" etc.  Those thoughts are so damaging.  I have to make a choice, on a daily basis to think positively.  I had to come to a point where I embraced being single.  Not because it is what I desire, but because it is what I AM.

If God has someone out there for me, then when the time is right, I will know.  I have to believe that.  There have been so many times that I've thought "Okay, this is it.  It can't possibly be better than this guy; or this job; or this place." You fill in the blank.  And God has consistently proved me wrong.

I remember Rand Hummel always saying to the teens (and counselors) at the Wilds: God wants the best for my life.  He'd make us repeat that.  Because it's true.  God created me and He loves me and He wants the absolute best for me.  So wouldn't it stand to reason that if whatever I have desired doesn't work out that God must have something so much better in mind?

I've been waiting for a long time.  I think I can wait a little longer.  God gives me the grace to do that.  Otherwise I'd have cracked a long time ago.  And the fact is that the longer I wait, the better prepared I am for whatever God has in store for me.

And I can tell you right now, I am NOT the same girl I was at 22.  Or 27.  Or even 30.  God has been shaping me into someone who has patience, something I'll need if I end up having children.  He is constantly showing me what real love is and how to love others like He does.  I want a marriage where my love for my husband (and his love for me) emulates the love of Christ.  God has been growing me in so many ways. It has not been easy.  I've shed many tears and I have had to examine my own heart so many times.  But maybe God is allowing me to sort through these things now, while I'm still alone, so that no one else is hurt, while I work through it. So that these things aren't standing in the way of me loving a husband and family in the way that I'm supposed to.

It is still the desire of my heart to be married and have a family.  And God knows that.  So, while I'm in this season of my life, I have determined to enjoy it.  To live life to the fullest, so that if I am ever blessed enough to be married, that I can look back on my "single life adventure" fondly.  I'll have stories to tell my kids and grandkids about things I did, that I could never have done if I'd gotten married when I was 21.  I have a chance to find out who I am as an individual and I am constantly discovering things about myself and who I am and what I want from life.  I think these are good things.

So, in the meantime, I wait.  Is it always easy? No.  Will I still have those days where I feel like I'm totally alone? Probably.  But in the long run, I know that even if I never have the love of a man, I have the love of God and for now, that is enough.