The latter happened to me recently. I've been single most of my adult life. A few 'mayyyybe' guys and one blip of a boyfriend in 2009 and that sums up most of my dating history. I have always been a glass-half-full kind of gal, so I have hardly sat at home moping for things I didn't have, even though in my heart, I do yearn for a husband and a family (we're all friends here, so I can be transparent, right?). But I always told myself that I was fine. I was okay. I could wait and let things play out the way God wanted them to. I had determined rather than sit around and bemoan my single status, I could take advantage of this precious time of singleness to do things I wouldn't be able to do as a married lady. Examples range from sleeping in on a Saturday morning to meeting a friend for dinner and a movie at the last minute to taking a weekend away to visit friends. I'm sure as a mother, those times would be harder to come by. There are other compensations, to be sure.
I'm not gonna lie, I do have those days where I sit and home and think "No one wants me. I'm going to die alone."
Not usually as upbeat as that^^ when it hits, but I have those moments. I don't know how to put it into adequate words, but if you've been single for a long period of time, you can understand the loneliness, the aching emptiness of being alone. Of always having to cry with no one to hold you and tell you it'll be okay. Of making decisions that you have no desire to make because you're it--you're the only one who can make them for yourself. But I have learned one thing. There's a HUGE difference between being alone and being lonely. And being lonely is no reason to jump into a relationship. If you do, you're probably going to be just as unhappy in your relationship as you already were.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that... you don't get to be my age and single without wondering if you've become desperate or how long you can go before becoming desperate, because let's face it--for guys, it isn't quite so pressing, but for us womenfolk our biological clock is ticking. If we want to have kids, we have a limited amount of time in which to do so. Tick tock!
However, I discovered (or rather reconfirmed) something about myself, though, pretty recently. I'm not desperate! I mean, I thought I wasn't, but it was nice to have a confirmation. Maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe I am ready, but the right person just hasn't come along for me. And you know what? That's okay. I'm willing to wait for the person who is just the right fit for me. I know that God has been teaching me so much that will make me a better helpmeet to my future husband and I can only assume that He is also preparing my husband to be what I need and to be able to love me the way I deserve to be loved. To love each other the way we both deserve. And if God never brings someone along for me, well, that's okay, too. I'd be much happier to be alone than shackled (maybe that's too strong a word...) to someone who makes me miserable or who is just utterly wrong for me for the rest of my life.
When this realization hit me, I just sort of sat there grinning at myself. Because you know what? It's a really good feeling.
♥Rebekah
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